Dispatches
Everything written about this tournament, in one place. Six pieces building to the first tee at Redstone, and three from the record — the week it started, the day the cup was decided, and the year it stopped being a golf holiday.
Building upThe Kootenays · 2026
01
The Kootenay Cup
Six days in September
The third edition leaves for British Columbia on 22 September. A trophy to defend, a field that has moved considerably since Portugal, and one man arriving with no record at all.
13 Aug 2026
02
The Low Gross
The two-man tournament
Jack Church has never lost the Low Gross. Tim Forton has never played for it. Across 200,000 simulations the other five men win it exactly nought times.
12 Aug 2026
03
The Challengers
The captain who has never won
Guy Mitchell picks a team in September. He has played three singles matches in this tournament and lost all three.
12 Aug 2026
04
The Net
The worst golfer here is the hardest man to beat
Gus Beswick has the highest handicap of anyone travelling, the worst raw scoring in the archive, and an unbeaten singles record.
12 Aug 2026
05
The Debut
The man with no record
Tim Forton has never played a Masturds round. He is second favourite for the Low Gross and the only player in the field whose price is a guess.
12 Aug 2026
06
The Draft
Eighteen holes, then somebody goes last
Men's night at Redstone is worth nothing and decides everything. Both captains are in the field, and the teams are picked that evening.
12 Aug 2026
The ArchiveFiled at the time
07
Myrtle Beach · 2024
Seven events, six days, no trophy
The inaugural Masturds ran eight rounds across seven courses in six days and finished on a green with local money riding on it. Four men went.
1 May 2024
08
Lisbon · 2025
Three and a half from four
West Cliffs beat every man in the field on the Wednesday and the Hozel Rockets took three and a half points out of four on it. The cup went with it.
17 Sept 2025
09
Lisbon · 2025
The year it became a tournament
Eight men, six sessions, a gold cup and a set of written rules. The Rockets won by five, Church won the gross by forty-nine, and the highest handicap in the field won the tournament.
21 Sept 2025
New pieces land here through September, then daily once it starts — the morning card before play and the result that evening. Everything is written before the golf and half of it will be wrong by the Thursday.